So, how do you navigate this messy moment of claiming your independence? Here’s what I’ve learned. It means you need to sift through and test them to see which fit the future you want for yourself. This doesn’t mean you need to abandon those values. Stepping into your unique identity may require stepping out of the borrowed philosophies and values-structures with which you were raised – and that’s okay. Some have a harder time loosening their grip.Ī part of becoming a healthy, independent adult is letting go of your need for approval and forming your own convictions and decision-making capabilities. There are parents who navigate them with grace and intentionality. Whatever the case, negotiating these difficult conversations isn’t easy.

Or maybe your lifestyle choices, in their eyes, depart from the values they believe they raised you to live by. Perhaps you’re buying your first home, and they’re terrified for your financial stability. Maybe you’re making a career change that they disapprove of or are considering a job somewhere far away. (Even when we try and convince ourselves otherwise.)īut in every parent-child relationship, there are inevitable clashes where our choices depart from what our parents would have chosen for us. No matter how old we get, we never lose that craving.

We want to know that we’ve made them proud and that the direction our lives are taking honors their sacrificial efforts to parent us well. The desire for our parent’s approval is universal. My father shook my hand, looked me in the eye, and said, “I just want you to know that I don’t approve of what you’re doing.” I hoped time abroad would help me sort things out. Privately, I struggled with ambivalence about my performing arts major but feared admitting that to my parents, whose dreams of my going to medical school had long faded. When I was 20, I made the decision to take a break from college and travel the world with a nonprofit organization - earning a very low salary.

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